Is that destiny

I have been trying to get work...oops...not get but start working for the past four and a half months. Siddharth was two months old then and now he is seven and half. My maternity break seems to be going on forever.

The project I was initially supposed to join did not get the green signal. I kept my spirit and enthusiasm going and managed to get another good opportunity. I was all excited and happy with this new opportunity. It was an opportunity of a lifetime...an opportunity to work with social entrepreneurs...help them develop their monitoring and evaluation systems. I couldn't wait to start. To add to this...my timings were flexible...I had the option of working from home too...I could now work as well as be there for my children...what more could an career oriented mother ask for.

But...alas...I guess destiny was not by my side. As my joining date neared, the maid that I had just begun to trust started showing me a different side of herself, driving me to chuck her out. Now I had no one to look after my children while I would work.

My employers were very understanding and we postponed my joining date by a month. However, I wasn't very lucky this time too making me request a change in the joining date once again.

My employers wanted me to facilitate a workshop even if I couldn't join immediately and I agreed. I made all the arrangements at home while I would be away for the workshop. We scheduled the workshop on a weekend...so that my husband would be there at home to look after my children. I asked my parents to come over to help my husband. But once again...I faced disappointment... the terrorist attacks in Mumbai and resulting cancellations by the participants were the cause of this disappointment.

Am I destined to not work? Or is the time simply not right? Or is my decision to work - a wrong one? Should I simply take this year off and spend time looking after my children?

My employers seem to be willing to wait even now. I feel very guilty that I have kept them waiting for so long. I have told them that I will start working from January. I will initially work for half a day every Saturday and as things settle down on my home front, I will increase my time. I have also suggested that in case we plan something for an entire week - I will call my parents to look after my children.

Hope this time...nothing goes against me and my decision. Hope this time...destiny favours me working.

Reasons for getting back to work...

Many raise an eyebrow and show disapproval as soon as I mention that I am thinking of getting back to work. They all feel I am very insensitive toward my children and am committing a crime by even thinking of leaving my children in the care of a maid or in a day care. However, I believe that I will do them more good than bad by working.
Firstly, I will be less irritable an impatient toward them as my brains will be occupied. I will be more relaxed as I will spend some time doing things that I enjoy.
Secondly, with this growing inflation and rising prices...me working would mean bringing in dow that will make my family life comfortable. I will not have to think about budgeting our monthly expenses nor will I deny myself the shopping sprees that have a therapeutic effect on me.
My children will grow to be independent from a tender age. They will learn to take their own decisions, have a mind of their own and most importantly will learn to live without their parents around them 24 hours.
I know it will be difficult to manage the two and I might feel the pressure of working and meeting deadlines as well as the stress of being there for my children. There also may be times when I will feel like keeping both aside and taking time off just to be with myself. Nevertheless, I feel it will all be fun. I will be active...will be busy...will have no time to think about useless things...will have the pep in my life...and there will be an aura of positivism around me...which will spread like fire and positively affect everyone near me.

Oh this Restlessness...

Am I impatient? Am I intolerant? Or am I simply restless?

I have been at home, living life ,without giving my brains the much required exercise for ages (well it seems to be ages to me...though its just been a few months). It was my choice to stay at home and so I have no one to blame or shift the responsibility of my impatience and restlessness and probably that is why, I get even more overwhelmed by the situation I am in.

A fairytale fantasy made me make that choice. I was pregnant with my second child. My first child was driving me crazy. He was in his troublesome twos. I often felt guilty for not being part of his life when he needed me the most. Thus, it seemed to be the ideal decision to quit work and take a break. At that time, I felt quitting work...being the best mom, an ideal wife and homemaker is the best way to live life.

It took some time (about six - seven months) to convince my employers, find my replacement and wind up my work. I was also honing my writing skills and blogged regularly (both on blogspot and Sulekha) and also wrote for merinews.com. Thus I never thought twice about my decision. I thought I had made the right choice.

My baby turns two months this wednesday and ever since I delivered my baby, I have had no time to blog or even read a novel. My days initially were filled with the aches and pains of a C-section, breastfeeding, changing diapers, rocking the baby to sleep and catching up on my sleep whenever I could get the time. Gradually as I started feeling better, I started taking on more and more household responsibilities...more so as I wanted to take control on my house, which was now in the hands on my MIL. Now that the control is back with me and I have finally found a fulltime (24 hour) maid to look after the children and help me in the household chores, I have started feeling restless and bored.

I am dying now to have some pep in my life...to work...to do activities that require some brainwork...to meet people...to not have to eat lunch alone...to do things that make me feel full of life...to get the romance back into my life...to have some fun...to feel appreciated...

why???

I have been wondering as to why certain things happen in life? Certain incidents - small and big that have happened in my life, very often due to my forgetfullness...

The other day, I lost my house keys. I had just dropped my son at the playschool and decided to walk back home. On my way, the strap of my purse broke lose and my purse fell down. I picked up my purse and without even thinking of checking whether the keys were in place, I walked away. I shopped for fruits and some drawing books for my son on my way. It was only when I was about fifty yards away from home, did I realize that the keys were missing.

Usually, I am very careful about the keys and ensure that I carry them whenever I go out. I am petrified of losing them and hence frequently scan my purse to ensure that they are safe, waiting for me to use them to open the door when I return back.

Did I lose the keys when my purse fell down? Why did I not check for any dropped belongings when I picked up the purse? or did I drop it sometime when I was shopping?

Later, I did check the shops I went to as well as the place where I had dropped the purse, but in vain. What baffled me was the fact that I had no memory of dropping the keys or of leaving them in any shop.

Is this sheer forgetfulness or did the world conspire against me as I was destined to lose the keys?

It's cold in Mumbai...are u joking!!!

9.4 degrees - that was the temperature yesterday.

This is not a joke...its true...After about fifty years Mumbai...a city which never experiences winter is witnessing a cold wave.

And me, like most Mumbaites is ill prepared. My son has only one sweater. There are just two pairs of socks which he uses on alternate days. I have just one light sweater and a shawl. My husband who is used to wearing only shorts at home, did not have track pants until yesterday. There is only one blanket, which is shared between me and my family.

I am not used to the cold at all and hence feel sick all the time. I have a sore throat and keep coughing through out the day. The nights are worse. I irritation in my throat increases at night thus giving me sleepless nights. The mosquitoes add to my sleeplessness as they prefer my house to the chilly outdoors.

If god grants me a wish...I would wish for the cold wave to pass by. I would wish for some warmth in my life...

The selfish me!!!

Do I have the right to decide the fate of the life of somebody else, even if that someone else is not a human being but an innocent animal?

This question arose in my mind a few years ago when we got our cats – Domino and Cleo sterilized. It arose once again when Bono my dog came on heat. A third time when it was time to get Chini (Cat) fixed and now that Begam (cat) is facing the same experience, I yet again have to deal with this question.

How would I feel, if someone else decided whether I could get pregnant? The thought of letting someone else take decisions about my life itself makes my blood boil. If I feel this way, why do I become a hypocrite and decide for my pets?

I did convince myself with the logic that this is the right thing to do. I will not be able to take care of the many kittens or the pups that my cats and dogs would deliver. Where is the money, where is the space and most important – where is the time? Nor will the civic authorities approve. They will probably force me to 'fix' my pets.

Nevertheless, at the same time, I know I am being selfish. Now, they will never know what it means to become a mother.

My two and a half year old

Terrible twos say some

Some others call this age the terrific twos

When I think about my child, I think my child displays a little of both the behaviours.

He is such a darling at times and at times I could tear my hair apart trying to understand what goes on in his head.

The other day, when he saw that I was ill, he held my face in his hands and said, "aai tu lavkar bari ho. Tuza doka chepun deu?". (Mama do get well soon. Should I massage your head?).

And just today, he drove me crazy with his tantrums, caused for reasons known only to him. I initially thought, "it must be the cough and cold." After a while, I wondered whether he was bored as he had not gone to his playschool. I initially tried to get him involved in interesting activities. But then neither his favorite building blocks soothed him, nor did his drawing books. He did not want to listen to stories and did not want anything to eat.

Finally, I just gave up, saying adu, "I cannot help you." I ignored him completely and engaged myself in household chores, while he sat crying in the other room.

A few minutes later, I guess, he realized that he was not going to get any attention from me. Suddenly, his mood changed, he came running to me and said, "aai me help karu?" (Mama should I help you).

I knew he was back to being his terrific self and quickly hugged him and planted many kisses on his face. He gave me a mischeivous smile and said, "aai building blocks kheluya?" (Mama, should we play with the building blocks?)

Being a mother can be very tiring and at the same time very joyful. Along with Adu, even I have adjusted to feeling terrible at one moment and feeling terrific at the very next moment.

Entered the world of blogs...finally

"Start writing blogs", said my husband. "It will help you. You need to vomit all those thoughts pent up in you. Blogging is the best"

As usual I was reluctant. Actually I was lazy. But now I have decided...A few lines everyday. They will just take some of the ample time that I have...

Maybe I will like writing. Maybe I will get addicted. I cannot say now.

So, everyone...wish me luck...I hope I can succeed and keep writing as long as there are thoughts, ideas and emotions in me...